I Live a Lie
by Illusioned Reality
Summary: I suck at summaries... Warning: Femslash, if you don't like don't read! No flames saying anything about the pairing, I don't care if you're straighter then a ruler, shut up. Rating to be safe. Please read and review. HG .First Story.


**A/N:** OK, first story ever on here, so please... be nice. This is based on a true story. BASED. OK people, I don't cut anymore, and I never had something sharp enough to bleed like Hermione does in this story. K? I. Don't. Cut. Anymore. That's why I went to counseling. Also, my house isn't like Hermione's home, nor is the neighboorhood. I just needed a way to make Hermione relate to me without having her being sexually abused at a young age. If you have any questions, comments, or concerns, just contact me and I'll be sure to clear it up, whatever it is. This **_will_** have more chapters. It might take a while for me to update though. You want to read the story now, so I'll shut up until the end.

**_DISCLAIMER:_** Hermione: Hey everyone. Today we'll be learning the meaning of the word disclaimer. Straight out of Webster's New Explorer Dictionary. **Disclaim** dis-'klam _vb_ : DENY, DISAVOW --- **disclaimer** _n_. In other words all things Harry Potter belong to JK Rowling, as the author is denying the ownership, since she doesn't own it. Class dismissed.

**I Live a Lie**

"Hermione, it's time to get up." I distantly heard a voice, calling me back to the land of the living, waking me from the five minute slumber I managed to get.

"OK, Ginny. I'll be down for breakfast in a minute." I called to my best friend. She was my first friend, after Harry and Ron, so really my third friend, but she was my only true friend, the only one who knew... But there was something she didn't know.

"It's going to get cold, Hermione!" Ginny broke me from my train of thought. Today was the first day of the new semester.

"I'm coming." I faked frustration. I could never be frustrated with Ginny. I threw on a pair of faded jeans and a blue long-sleeved shirt. And I stuck a thing very dear to me in my pocket. It was a nail, one of those triangular prism ones, not the round ones. It'd never seen a hammer, but it was very aquainted with my arm. I ran down the stairs, to the kitchen.

"Morning, Mrs. Weasley. Morning Ginny." I said to the two occupants of the kitchen. The Burrow was such a warm place. It made me often wonder why Ron, Ginny, and their family were friendly to me. I am not worthy. My house, was always trashed with beer bottles and cigarette packs, holes burned through sofas, flowers wilted. In other words it was a complete mess. I had to cook for myself, clothes myself, clean the knifes so they were sanitary. My parents never noticed how reserved I became. I kept a knife always with me, and the nail in the pocket.

"This is delicious." I told Mrs. Weasley as I took a bit of the pancakes she had made. Before I knew it, the one pancake I had was gone, but I was full. It didn't take much to make me full. I barely ate. Never really could sleep. Especially with so many things racing around in my mind. Should I tell her of the cutting? Should I tell her how I feel? I can't she's with Dean...

"What's wrong, Hermione?" Ginny asked concerned.

"Huh? Oh, Nothing." I said. "Everything..." I whispered to myself. She eyed me for a minute then went back to her own thoughts.

"May I go back up to the room?" I asked politely.

"Certainly, dear." Mrs. Weasley replied. I fored a gracious smile, before heading to the room. I sat down, and started to cry. Yes, I'm weak, I can't help by cry every night, even if it isn't to sleep. I guess I should state what I want to tell Ginny. I'm in love with her. But she bounces from boyfriend to boyfriend, and I doubt she would ever love me anyway. Who would love me? Bushy-haired Granger. But there was this small hope that perhaps, just maybe, she felt the same. I packed myself for Hogwarts.

You think I'm crazy cause I said I love her don't you. Well, I don't care, cause my feelings are real. She's so beautiful, so perfect, so flawless, she's everything, my world... when ever I see her talking to someone else, it's like that person has total control over if I am happy, or if my world is shattered to pieces. Her voice is so melodic. Her eyes have a spark that intriges(sp) me, they're always happy. With her, my life is happy and blissful. Without her, my world crashes and I'm lost. Her hair is so soft and beautiful. Everything about her is beautiful.

But she probably doesn't love me too. There's no way she could love me. I'm weak, plain, boring, insecure, worrying, there's nothing about me that anyone could love. I cry so easily. I would be dead inside if it wasn't for Ginny. Nothing about me is beautiul.

"Hermione, it's time to go." I heard Ron yell, He and Harry had been practicing quidditch.

"Coming!" I replied back, grabbing my stuff, and heading downstairs.

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I stared at her, completely mesmorized and I couldn't focus on Dumbledore's speech. I didn't even know it was over until food appeared infront of me. I snapped back to reality, and took some food on my plate, not much though, I really wasn't that hungry. I finished eating and headed for the Gryiffindor Tower. The password had been given to us in our letters, so I didn't have to wait. I went up to the dorm and unpacked one of my books. A romance novel, but it was very depressing. It described me though. Except the suicide...

I read my book, until I heard commotion in the common room. More peole arriving no doubt. I gently put my book down and headed to the common room. There, I saw Ginny, I swear my heart skipped a beat. And then I saw Dean, my heart flatlined. Ginny looked like she was about to cry and Dean walked away.

"What happened, Gin?"

"We...we broke up Hermione." She blinked back tears. I gave her a hug and she began to cry on my shoulder. I rubbed her back gently. "Thanks.. 'Mione, I really needed that." she said, before wiping her tears and going up to her dorm. I sat on the couch just thinking... of how wonderful she was... How could he do that to her? Harry and Ron startled me out of my thoughts.

"Hey, Hermione. Something wrong?" Harry asked.

"Why would something be wrong?" I asked.

"You're just really pale." Harry said.

"I am? Well, I can assure you everything is fine." I lied. Nothing was ever fine, I just masked it so well. And my being pale? Loose of blood from cutting. But the boys bought my lies. We continued to talk about everything, I'd just arrived at the Burrow yesterday so that they could bring me to the station. We had catching up to do. Lots of it. Before I knew it, Harry and Ron were off to bed, and advised me to do the same. But I couldn't sleep tonight. I felt the need to run or walk, it was midnight, and I usually took walks when I couldn't sleep, since Hogwarts is a safe place. My house isn't so I take walks, cause the neighboorhood is safer then my house, even with drug dealer on the corners. I slipped out of the empty common room and let my feet lead me where they wanted me. They lead me outside, to the Forbidden Forest. I sat on a rock, reached into my messenger bag, that I had brought with me, and brought out my recorder. I placed the instrument to my lips and started to play. I played the song "I can't unlove you", as I desperately tried to push Ginny from my mind. But I got too caught up in the music, my mind started to wander to a day dream... it was so pleasant, Ginny was there, and she... she kissed me. It was heaven while it lasted. I stopped playing, a soft sigh escaping my lips.

I placed my recorder back in it's place and brought out my knife. I lifted my skirt, until my thigh was exposed. I was alone after all right. I brought the knife to my skin, and with ease, drew a bloody heart. I, then, wiped my knife clean, and placed it back in it's secret compartment in my bag. I let tears slide down my cheeks. I knew it was wrong, that I shouldn't do it, but it felt so right. It relieved all the built up pressure, all the bottled up emotions. It was a way to express myself. I looked back at my newest cut, to see that blood was dripping onto the ground. I wiped the blood off my leg and stopped the bleeding. I couldn't loose much more blood. Tears began to mix with the blood on the ground. I heard a twig snapped. I jerked my head up.

"Who's there?" I said, trying to keep the fear out of my voice.

"What are you doing out here Hermione?" It was Ginny.

"Nothing." I tried to also keep the fact that I was crying a secret. "So how are you doing? You seemed pretty down, since you know. Dean broke up with you. Do you want me to kill him?"

"No, no Hermione. Please don't hurt him-"

"But he hurt you."

"I'm doing fine. Actually great. Seamus asked me out." She smiled widely. While I tried to keep the fact that I started crying again.

"Hermione, what's wrong?"

"I've lost Ginny. I lost a battle no one knew I was fighting."

"I don't understand. Who'd you lose to?"

"Seamus."

"How'd you lose to him?"

"I like you! OK!" I blurted out.

"Wha-" she started but I darted away, too afraid of what I'd said.

I broke down in tears, I was deep in the forest by now. I told her I liked her... I wish I'd told her I loved her...

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Another sleepless night. Well, not entirely. I caught a few cat naps here and there. Not much though. _Tap tap tap._ I looked towards the window to see a snowy white owl. Hedwig. I opened the window to the graceful and now gracious creature. It'd been a couple weeks after the forest incident.

"Come on in, Hedwig." I said, offering her an owl treat. She hooted happily, before sticking her leg out to me. Attached to it was a letter addressed to me.

_Dear Hermione,_

_You weren't at breakfast, so you missed it. Ginny just broke up with Seamus. She must have realized it was rebound._

_Harry._

My heart skipped a beat. Perhaps I had a chance. Perhaps... I grasped the necklace she had given to me. Tomorrow, I would tell her tomorrow, I decided. Tomorrow couldn't come fast enough. I was anxious and scared... But I had to try...

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"Ginny, there's something I need to tell you." I said nervously.

"Me too." She bounced excitedly. "Neville and I are dating!" I froze. "Now what did you want to tell me?"

"I can't tell you now..."

"Why not?"

"Cause you're in a relationship."

"Why does that matter?"

"You really want to know then?" She nodded. "Fine. I love you, Ginerva Weasley." I blinked back tears. She looked stunned. I couldn't take it. I ran away. I decided to write her a letter, to tell her how I felt. I doubt I'll send it to her though...

**_Dear Ginny,_**

_**I know you're probably shocked and unsure what to do with the information I've told you. But you need to know. I love you, so much more then you'll ever know. But you need to know... the depth of my love for you. You need to know how I feel. Ginny, you are flawless. Your perfect. Everything about you is beautiful, there is nothing you could ever say or do that would make me have any feelings of dislike for you. Your smile is contagious. Even when the only thing I want to do is cry, you make me smile. When I'm sad, I just whisper your name, close my eyes, and think that you are beside me. Your hair, is beautiful and looks so soft, I just long to run my fingers through it. But it's not your hair that I love. For if all you hair fell out, I would still love you, I'd probably shave my own head, if there was no magic to have yours grow back. If it meant you'd live, I'd die. If it meant you would be happier, I'd take away your tears and cry them for you. I want to take away all your pain, just like you do for me, just by being near to me. Your eyes, are mesmorizing, and I can't help but stare into them. They're soft and caring. There are not enough words to describe you, how amazing you are... I love you, and I would take a bullet for you anyday. If I had to choose between you and breathing, I'd use my last breath to tell you I loved you. If you asked me which was more important, you or my life, I'd answer my life, because you are my life. You're my everything. You're an angel, everything about is perfect. You're my light in the darkness and my sunshine in the rain, and with just a smile you take my pain away. You probably think I'm lying, that I'm making this up, but I'm not. I'm in love with you, and no matter what, I'll never stop loving you, and wait for you even if it means I'm still waiting when I reach my deathbed. If you need anymore proof of my love for you, all you need to do is look into my eyes, and ask me if I love you. And when I say yes, you will see how true my words are by the look in my eyes...**_

_**I love you, I truely do,**_

_**Hermione**_

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It's been about two and a half weeks since I told her, and that letter still resides in my pocket. I haven't the strength to give it to her. I'm too afraid... but for now I'll wait, see what happens... Maybe... maybe she'll love me too... For now, I'll just cry myself to sleep, if I can sleep tonight...

**TBC**

**A/N:** OK, please tell me what you think, and if I should continue it. Reviewers get... cookies and are entered into a drawing for a firebolt! Bet that got your attention! Questions, comments and concerns are placed in the reviews. Hope you enjoyed it. Remember. I. Don't. Cut. Anymore. So don't ask about that. I guess that's all I have to say. Until next time!


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